Elder Care Spotlight: A Parent with Alzheimer's/ Dementia & Family Dynamics...

Being a caregiver is not an easy task, but when the family dynamic is hostile or unsupportive, it takes on a whole new life. One of the hardest parts of taking care of a parent who has Alzheimer's/Dementia is having to bear witness to the "Loved ones" in their lives that turn away and/or disappear. There are many reasons why people choose to let go of their relationships without proper closure or conversation.

Some family members just don't know how to deal with a parent that is still alive but not the person they used to be. None of us are the people we once were years ago, but with a brain dis-ease, elderly parents can feel like someone entirely different, and that can be hard to swallow. Some people grieve when their Loved ones die, while others will start this process while they are still alive. The fact that they can't have anymore deep conversations or reminisce about the past can be too difficult to experience, so the Loved one just vanishes out of their lives. For others, the family history may have included abuse, neglect, addiction, emotional trauma, favoritism, or other unresolved problems, and the illness can sometimes reopen this wound. Especially when it comes to the caretakers themselves - some adult children can feel like they are sacrificing their lives for a parent that never stood up for them when they needed it the most in their lives. The pain of the past can make it very difficult to show up for their parent without frustration or disappointment. Fear, helplessness, denial, resentment, guilt, and so many other feelings can get in the way of family members wanting to reach out to their Loved ones again. They may feel scared, or they may not know how to feel at all. Aging can be just as frightening as bringing in new life. There are so many unknowns because every soul is so different. Each of us has chosen a path that helps our soul radiate its gifts and lessons. We can only "control" ourselves, and we have no business in deciding how other people choose to live their lives.

This leaves behind two very important people in this equation - the elderly parent and the caregiver. The elderly parent may not be all there cognitively, but they do feel what is going on around them. Some may ask why their family members haven't reached out to see them, while others may internalize things as a mistake that they made to cause their family member to walk away without saying goodbye. Even though the information may come across fuzzy, the feelings are clear and very real. The caregiver tends to hold the weight of this situation as the only one left behind who understands the reasons and has to accept things for what they are. Siblings may feel that the caregiving child "has it covered" or "is doing fine", when they are really in great need of support. Other family members may be ashamed for abandoning their parent, or resentful that the parent didn't ask them to be the caregiver. Either way, their emotions are charged with discomfort and they are stuck trying to answer the question on what route to take when dealing with their elderly parent. Only they will know what is right for them, and the caregiver really only has one important task to do, and that is to take care of their parent. Whether family abandons their relationships due to self-protection, holding grudges, avoiding responsibilities, feeling overwhelmed, or all of the above, it really doesn't matter. Life goes on, and each of us must decide for ourselves how we want to show up for ourselves and for our Loved ones and family members. Those choices are very personal, and even though they are easy to take on personally, it is important to try to stay neutral and just Love the parent that needs the care. With healthy boundaries, big compassion, and great sacrifice, the caregiver will do the necessary job of helping their parent and all will manifest as it should. When in doubt, just Love. The most simple responses are usually the best ones.