Elder Care Spotlight: How To Handle An Elderly Family Member Who Is Changing In Front Of Your Eyes...

One of the most difficult things to process is how our elderly Loved ones slowly change into someone we don't recognize anymore. It is most noticeable in Alzheimer's/Dementia disease, but even aging without disease can present gradual changes in the thinking, feeling, and perceiving categories. As the person ages, the brain changes, and as the brain changes, they stop being able to make decisions, they withdraw more, and they become more reactive. When they are physically able, but psychologically challenged, it is called ambiguous loss. They lose the ability to retain the same amount of information they used to, and it is completely out of their control. Others get agitated, paranoid, and even violent. Underneath false blame, suspicion, and confusion is someone who's brain cannot remember what really happened, so they choose to fill in a story and move on. Their confused state of mind leads to more fear, anxiety, and defensiveness. So what do we do and how do we respond when what they are saying makes no sense at all?

Our elderly Loved ones need our compassion, patience, and kindness more than anything. We don't have to understand why they are saying what they are saying or why they are anxious or unsure. We only need to Love them and help them through this transitional time. The caregiver's job is to turn down the dial on the agitation, frustration, and distress. Instead of fighting back, arguing with them, or trying to convince them of what is happening, we simply have to join their team and work with them to find harmony in that moment. We may have begun caring for them as who they used to be, and now we are taking in the wisdom of who they are becoming. This happens when we are present in the moment, heart-centered and Loving, and supportive no matter what happens between us that day.

Caregivers must always create space to process, grieve, and breathe through the emotions and feelings that come up during these transitions. Every phase of the aging process presents itself with challenges, but watching your Loved one slowly fade away is sometimes unbearable to witness. It is vital that the caregiver experiences the sadness, disappointment, fear, frustration, exhaustion, and feelings of loss that arise in the moments between support. It is perfectly normal, and important to observe. When we come to terms with the fact that none of their choices are intentional, then we stop taking things personally and we begin to meet them where they are. The best moments are when humor, levity, and compassionate understanding lead the way through a challenging moment. To caregive is to dance between time and space with our Loved ones until their time to transition manifests. It is never about control, but instead about understanding. As they shift and change, we do the same in order to accommodate their needs. The more flexible and present we can be, the easier it will be to flow with changes. No matter who they are now, our Loved ones still Love us deep inside. Always remember that Love, and never take things personally. The Love will act like a guide and bring home the best and highest outcome... or better!