Elder Care Spotlight: How To Talk To A Loved One with Alzheimer's...

I have made all of the mistakes when it comes to caregiving, but I didn't have the tools that I have now. My mother has Alzheimer's/Dementia and as the dis-ease progresses, I notice that the word choices I make have a big impact on her mood and the vibration of the day. Here are the do's and don'ts that were shared with me when communicating with my mother.

The first thing is to never argue with the person with Dementia/Alzheimer's (we will call them "the Loved one" for the sake of this article). We only need to acknowledge their feelings, reassure them that things will be okay, and then talk about a different topic to distract them from their frustrations.

The second thing is to never remind them that they can't remember things. Instead of putting their lack of memory in their face, we can acknowledge their feelings around the memories that come up, and then redirect them to a different topic.

The third thing is to never take things personally. If our Loved ones don't remember who we are, if they are rude to us, if they break something, etc., we can choose not to react. Instead, we can go with the flow, reassure them that things are okay, and distract them to a different topic.

The fourth thing is to never use the word "but" when trying to get them to perform a task they need to do. Instead, we can acknowledge their feelings around the activity, and use the word "however" to keep our language from negating what they are experiencing. By staying positive and focusing on what we want them to do, we can redirect their energy in that direction instead.

In general here are the don'ts...

• Don't take things personally

• Don't question their memory

• Don't blame them for anything

• Don't remind them they forget

• Don't test their memory

• Don't correct them

• Don't rush them

• Don't argue with them

• Don't try and reason with them

• Don't try to convince them

• Don't insist they do something

• Don't ask open-ended questions

• Don't become distressed

In general, here are the do's:

• Forgive their negative reactions

• Accept the blame in all situations

• Stay neutral from confrontation

• Give short explanations

• Repeat yourself exactly the same

• Reminisce the past

• Avoid insisting they do something

• Avoid confrontations

• Be patient and reassuring

• Give them time to comprehend

• Agree with them

• Divert their attention to a new activity

• Change the subject when needed

• Acknowledge their feelings

• Present them with easy options

• Reassure them constantly

Using these points above can help determine a good day from a challenging one. Sometimes one word can trigger a meltdown, and it is best to keep our Loved ones calm and at peace. Practicing this method of detachment, allows more flow and neutrality. Remember that our Loved one's didn't ask for this dis-ease. They are completely unaware of what is happening and only responding the way that the dis-eased brain guides them. We are here to mirror unconditional Love, kindness, compassion, and acceptance. By getting out of the way, the Love can continue to grow without judgement.