RaMa Mama Doula Share: Why New Moms Wonder If They Are Cut Out For Motherhood...

One of the common threads between all of the mothers-to-be that I have worked with is the question of all questions - "What if I am not cut out to be a mother?". As first time moms, they mostly feel incompetent and worried that they will not be ready when the baby arrives, or that they won't know what to do when everyone else seems like they do. "What if something important is missed?" or "What if I make a mistake?". The truth is that no one knows what they are doing until they learn how to do it, and the only way we learn is through our personal experiences. We can read all of the books on the market, but nothing truly prepares us like real life. Where is this fear really coming from and how can we break it down in order to bring more understanding and self-Love?

Ultimately, a new mother has to face her fears of losing her identity. Once the baby arrives, life takes on a whole new direction. Instead of being self-directed and self-focused, the attention turns to the family and the care of the baby. Instead of the comfort of their careers and hobbies, they are thrown into a new life of unknowns with trial & error as the education. If mistakes are made or things don't feel right, there is no turning back. Motherhood is a life-long journey that is always evolving and changing through time and space. There are many losses and deaths that happen in order for this amazing new life to enter. New moms lose a lot of their freedom, time, privacy, and overall identity - especially for the first year of the baby's life. With the shifts in hormones, new mothers can also start to question if they are good enough to be a mother or if they are able to raise a good human with the little information they know about children. There are fundamental truths that apply to all new parents.

First of all, no one is "ready" to be a parent. Feeling like we are not "cut out" to be a good parent is completely normal. Becoming an amazing parent comes from making a lot of mistakes, trying things over and over again, and fixing the problems created both physically and emotionally as they arise. Confidence is built over time and through experiences.

Two things can be true at the same time, and new mothers can struggle but not be failures. They can ask for help, while also not being a horrible parent. Feeling overwhelmed or undereducated does not have to get in the way of being a capable and present mother. It is just a signal to ask more questions, seek more answers, and try things differently in order to get different outcomes.

Instead of keeping personal feelings and experiences to oneself, new mothers need to talk about what they are feeling inside. Simply communicating these fears to others can be the catalyst to profound transformation. By expressing these fears, new mothers take the energy out of them and encourage understanding, compassion, and bright solutions. Some sources to turn to for help can be the partner, doctor/midwife, therapist, prenatal teachers, classmates, counselors, or other people with children. Once these conversations take place, a big weight can lift the worries and fears that have been building up throughout the pregnancy.

Being a new mother is not easy. It comes with big challenges and even bigger rewards. However, mothers cannot receive the rewards without walking through the fire. The greatest initiation to adulthood is the ability to care for another human being. Through hormonal shifts, life sacrifices, and deep, profound Love, the alchemy creates growth and builds maturity. During times when life feels overwhelming, new mothers can tap into their breath, ground into nature, and reach out for help from family and friends that have volunteered to support. There will be times that mistakes will be made and feelings will become overwhelming. This is normal and natural. As long as the Love for the baby is there, and as long as mothers try to show up neutrally for their families, then each day is a successful gift of wisdom, experience, and service. One day, one breath at a time, the baby will be cared for and will grow up to be a wonderful human. No parent has had all of the answers, and look at how many adults are walking around us each day. We all learn, grow, and move forward in unique ways that once began with inexperienced parents. As long as parents can do their best to provide a safe and Loving environment, things will ultimately be okay. Keep the faith and take things bite for bite. One day, this time of newness will be something to look back on and laugh at. This too shall pass, so stay Light and stay true to the self and to this life path of motherhood. It is truly one of the greatest blessings on the planet.